a random update for random lost days

well
i should be finishing my ane updates. there's just so much that it becomes daunting. i also keep getting so busy that i just can't keep up with them. i also guess my mental health is really out of hand as well. my life feels just as dark, if not darker, than it was when i was hospitalized. i'm just too scared to admit at how poorly i'm doing. it's really stupid of me, because everyone keeps telling me that i should be honest and transparent with my emotions, which is true. i totally should. i just can't be. i'm so scared of letting people know that i'm upset. i keep scaring people or i'll be told i'm scary when i'm honest about things and my own emotions. it really messes me up. it reminds me of when i was with my ex girlfriend and she'd tell me that i was being really horrible and scary when i was upset. i don't think i'm being that scary, but maybe i am. idk.

i guess one thing that i should get out of the way is like
i'm really going through a lot, i think. at least compared to normal. my heart is really sore. it hurts a lot. it's not a good feeling but it's the best way to describe it

first and foremost, my friend, now ex friend, alaska completely freaked out on me and dropped me. she did this because when i was coming back from ane she asked me if i was playing drums on her album. i didn't know i was, but i agreed anyways. she seemed understanding that it would take me a while, but we quickly devolved into a fight where she was trashing my friends. i got really upset and snapped back at her. it was the first time i had ever criticized her for anything over the course of our several year friendship. she stopped responding to me for a few days. i checked her socials and she said she went to the hospital for a panic attack. i texted her and asked her if she was okay, but she never responded to me. after a few days, i noticed she was posting some really mean stuff that might've been about me. i texted her and asked her what was up, and she kept changing her discord status to piss me off. she went from "playing balatro" on online to "do not disturb. playing balatro" and put herself on dnd. after she came back online i asked her to please respond to me, and she sent me a paragraph basically blaming me for her hospital visit. she said i caused her physical pain, and that maybe in the future we could be friends, but she doesn't see it happening for a long time. then she blocked me on everything.

i don't really get this. i don't know how i can stick up for an individual so much, only for her to completely drop me the moment she feels threatened by some sort of criticism. i never ever gave up on her. i never gave up on her when she was kicked out of the old friend group for breaking up with her partner. i defended her during the fights i had with my ex spouse. i told her she would always be my friend, but she just completely gave up on me like i was nothing to her, and really messed me up in the process. i was having trouble trusting my friends, but especially after all of that, i just can't do it anymore. my trust in others is completely compromised. the more that time goes on, the more messed up i feel about it.

alaska was one of my closest friendships from the old friend group that i had. she was in my band and we made music together too. we hung out in real life, and we talked more frequently than most folk from the old friend group i had. i had been feeling like i couldn't trust my friendships, and that most people would leave me or abandon me at the first sign of anything they didn't like. alaska seemed to be somewhat different. despite everything, she still seemed to be okay with me, until she wasn't. i thought i could trust her. i guess not. i guess our years of friendship meant nothing at the first moment of criticism. i guess my feelings meant so little that the moment i shared them i had an entire hospital visit pinned on me. whatever.

on top of all of this, cecily has been dealing with jealousy a lot because of how much i like alice. this has also been really hard for me. for the majority of our relationship, up until recently when bea had to convince her otherwise, she'd tell me that i was always secondary to bea, and that she loved her more than me. i guess this was fine since i knew it was going to be that way going into it. after a while i started to become really attached to her, which wasn't much of a problem. however i do remember one instance at work where cecily told me that bea would tell her that i was really dependent on her (cecily) but she wasn't dependent on me. i remember this kind of stung. not because i felt betrayed cecily didn't feel the same about me, but because it was true. i realized i had let my walls down too much and i got stung for it. i started to put my walls back up and try to be more of an independent person. i think this caused me to be more curt with cecily, and more blunt because i was really hurt. i've mentioned this to her, but haven't told her in detail about it. there were some specific instances at ane that really hurt too that i haven't documented it. like when alice and bea both asked to be my girlfriend, but they both took it back. it especially hurt with alice because of how i feel about her. to get bakc to my main point i've always felt secondary to bea. in some ways i still do, although not as much anymore. i understand cecily being jealous, but the fact that she's jealous and gets really upset when i show my emotions about others to her really hurts. i feel like it's hard for me to explore the avenues i want to while still retaining a status of like, not being the only partner when she's my only partner. it's really hard trying to find a way i can be completely fulfilled when it makes her upset, and she gets to be fulfilled in every way except physically.

going back to alice though, which is the 3rd reason why i'm really having a hard time, is i just genuinely really miss her almost all the time. i have a habit of falling for people way harder than they'll ever fall for me, and it's somewhat clear that's what's going on here. i'm a stupid idiot for it. she's not doing anything wrong, it's just me and how i get attached to people. i say i really like her would be an understatement. i think about her a lot, like, all the time. almost all day. i clicked with her so hard in real life. she wanted to spend all her time with me. she would cry into my chest and say she wishes we could be girlfriends, but she can't because of distance. how could i not think about her? how could i not think about everything that happened, especially after she asked me out and turned me down immediately? all of that really lured me in way harder than it should've. because as selfish of me as it sounds, i do wait for her to text me all day, and when she does, it's usually one word and i don't know how to respond to it. she doesn't ever text me good morning but she texts me frequently before bed for the most part. it's definitely better than nothing, but there's a selfish part of me that wants to talk to her more. i won't force her into that, though. that's not cool of me. i just. to say i miss her is an understatement. to say a lot of things is an understatement automatically. i think i've felt more about her than anyone, but not in the way that i've never felt this lovey towards anyone. the feelings are mixed. because while a lot of the feelings are good, there's a lot of heartache there too. take cecily for example. i latched onto her way hard, but she was way more receptive to me talking to her than alice is, so there was less heartache there and things were better sailing. my first girlfriend was like, we got together within a week. meredith was someone i didn't really want to be with. cecily was a special case where she wasn't crying into my chest saying she wishes we could be girlfriends, but i figured it would be possible down the line. there's just a lot of emotions with alice, sometimes more achey than anything at this point. it's stupid of me. it goes back to me feeling like i care more about people than they'll ever care about me.

there's also bea as well. i like bea a lot, but she has so many partners that i kind of always had some sort of walls up, because i know for a fact i would like her more than she would like me. i mean she was the one who said i was more dependent on cecily rather than vice versa after all. i like bea a lot but it's just. yknow. part of me is really hesitant because i know i'll always feel more for her than she will for me. we did talk the hypothetical of getting together, but we agreed to talk about it a different day. it's been like a week, maybe longer, and there's been no follow up word about it.

i guess having all of these feelings, and then having to deal with the mundane ones such as being informed i'm a burden, having to work my stupid job, never going outside to do anything becuase nobody wants to spend time with me, all that stuff, i guess makes my life feel totally dark. i like to think that the reason why i stuck around was to finally make something with my music. lately it's become clear that it's because of my friends. i want to stick around for them. i have no problem hurting my music career by being insane on the internet, but i'm terrified of hurting my friends. because of this, i haven't been honest with them. i don't know how to say this to them, because i still think about the one time i told alice the truth, and i was told that it was kinda fucked of me.

yesterday and today have been particularly hard. every day is particularly hard. this feels like the darkest era of my life. working my job, being in debt, knowing i'm a burden, not being able to get my life together, and especially having the constant affirmation that i will always care about my friends more than they'll care about me, just makes me feel so cripplingly hopeless. i want to figure out a hospital stay. i'm a real danger to myself. yesterday i went to go drink all of the cough syrup i had, which was multiple bottles, so i could try and overdose. it wasn't going to be a guaranteed death thing, just like, if it happens, it happens. i could not find my cough syrup. i got frustrated and gave up. today i was going to take every bottle of ibuprofen and assorted medication that i could find. i looked in the cupboard, and couldn't find more than 12 pills. i took my newly refilled multiple bottles of spiro, and there were about 355 pills in there. i did the math, and it would only have a 30 percent chance of killing me, so i didn't go through with it and gave up. people don't know that i was gathering those pills and medications so i could finally die. i was gonna drive my car somewhere really far and do it there, but i got stopped on step one. i'm thinking of going to the store tomorrow and buying a lot of medication. just in case i need the out. i've been trying to research which the best is to end my life with, but i can't find anything on it, it's all just stupid hotline phone numbers everywhere. the hotlines don't know that they will do nothing for me. they will not make me feel better. what will help me is what they're hiding from me. they just don't want me to hurt the others around me. at some point my death is not selfish, but it's the others around me that are selfish. they want to keep me around when they don't even care about me as much as i care about them. in all aspects. family, friends, relationships. i don't know why i even try.

for the first time in my life, i really feel physically hurt typing this up. my heart feels like it's about to explode. my chest feels like it's about to have a heart attack. this sounds familiar !

there are some odd details in here!

when i woke up this day, bea offered to make waffles. she started cooking, but alice arrived at the train station earlier than she thought. she had a bunch of luggage so we had to go down and help her out. when i met her, her energy was.. well, it was very alice! she was somewhat chaotic and she was fun. when we started walking back, i said something i couldn't remember, and she said "is she always like this??" to bea, referring to me. we got back to bea's dorm and i sat down on the bed. she immediately took off her shirt. if i had a nickel for every time someone took off their shirt within 10 minutes of getting to a dorm with me, i'd have two nickels. it's not much, but it's weird that it's happened twice. we got along really well right off the bat. she pulled me down and bit me really hard. it was awesome. she then realized i had a belly button. and more awesome stuff happened. her AND bea started doing stuff to me. it was insane. my mormon brain was exploding.

eventually we realized we were late to the train. i think alice and bea got into a fight while i was getting ready. the energy in the room shifted. i got a little scared. the energy was similar to when i was in a household where my former mother in law would get really upset. obviously this isn't to say anyone is like her by any means. it was just an energy that i was sensitive to. we headed out and explored the train station again. the wheel on my suitcase broke, so i had to carry it. as we ventured through the train station, we got a little lost. i definitely didn't know where i was, but neither did alice and bea. after a bunch of walking, we eventually reached a train that we rode on for a long time. it was a quiet train. me and alice silently goofed off and bea told alice off a couple times over it. i felt bad. i felt like it was my fault. i felt like i was being a burden. we kept riding the train and eventually got off somewhere and we met bea's dad. we had to pile into the car, but there was no room for me whatsoever. i weaved in between stuff in the car, and ended up putting my foot somewhere that really hurt. i talked to bea's dad a little bit in the car since he had never met me before, and we made our way to the house. when we got there, i sat down with alice and bea. i played breakup song on my guitar, and alice sang along. it made me really really happy. afterwards, bea got up to do something. alice tried to retune the guitar, but broke a string and she had a panic attack. i tried to calm her down, and i was very patient with her. eventually she felt better. i think at that point i kinda started to like her. bea came back, and said it wasn't a big deal that the string broke. i was relieved.

we went downstairs to jam out, and we started rehearsing our songs. it took a while to set up, and we eventually figured everything out. we jammed out for a little bit, and we sounded better than i thought we would've. it was a lot of fun! during this time cecily was starting to text me a lot and i was starting to get really stressed out by some of the things she said. i was really exhausted by the traveling, and historically i don't do good while i travel, so i started to get really stressed out. eventually bea went upstairs again, and i was hanging out with alice, and i started crying. i was so overwhelmed by my emotions and the trip that i started to get ticks, i think. i kept jolting my neck and head to the right while i was crying. this has never really happened before. i was trying so hard to hold it together. alice was really good at comforting me. she distracted me with a video on her phone. bea came back and asked if i was okay. i told her i was.

we started to jam out a little more. i wrote down some structures in my phone, and we got the set down really well. after we got done with bunnydeath, alice hugged me tight and said we were going to do great. i started to feel really happy around her. i could tell that my drumming meant a lot to her and it made me happy. she kissed me that night. it was awesome. she also dropped a "what if the joker was woke" comment and i laughed so hard i fell to the ground. it was awesome. i had a really good time with her and bea that night. we were trying to figure out who was gonna sleep where, and bea said she wanted to sleep with me. she seemed like she was tearing up a little. i offered to sleep with bea that night because i was realistically going to sleep with alice a lot at the hotel room. we went upstairs, and i fell asleep in an extra room with bea. we cuddled a lot that night. it was really really cold so i cuddled her close.

well, i head out to ane tomorrow night, so i should write something before i go.

and this is a fair warning. this is just a bunch of scattered thoughts through my unmedicated brain, huge depression and bpd swing, and all that stuff. i'm talking a lot about my love life, so if you come across this, proceed with caution. especially if you know me!


this past week and a half sure has been something. i've just been working, preparing for ane, and working on my album. i've also been really really upset for a few days as well. about a week ago cecily woke up for church and said that i better get used to her being upset with me on sundays from now on. for some reason that really hurt me a lot and i just didn't say anything about it besides "ok" but i still tried to be a good and patient girlfriend. then a few days later she got really mad at me for asking a question about her brushing habits. i think i worded something wrong because i didn't mean to upset her, but she said that my words implied something else which really upset me. i used to be in a relationship where my former partner did that and she'd say i was implying a lot of things and she'd accuse me of being two faced and manipulative, so i got really really upset. i tend to bottle everything up until i explode because i don't want to be a burden, so i just kind of let everything out and i got really mad at her for the first time ever. i told her that it was really hard for me to put as much time and energy into her as i do, and to be constantly sticking up for her while losing friends, and devoting all of my emotional energy to her because her other partners don't take a lot of care of her, only to be told i'm not as loved as her main partner. cecily told me that she loves me in a very unique way and that i do fulfill her emotionally, and i'm better for her, and that i'm her favorite person, but truthfully knowing all of that and still hearing her say i'll never be equal to bea hurts even more. i've been really struggling with all of this. i've been crying and cutting a lot and i feel completely worthless because i will never mean as much to the people i currently care about as they do to me. i feel like i've let my walls down a bunch which is really really stupid of me. i knew i wasn't going to be as good as bea, but i let myself get too close to cecily and now i'm really taking the hit for it. i'm really stupid. i'm afraid if anything were to happen, i'd lose all my friends as well because i'm afraid they wouldn't like me anymore if i couldn't have esex with them.

all of this wouldn't upset me as much as normal if it weren't for one girl. joy. in my last entry i mentioned going to the arcade with her. since then, we've hung out once more, and have some plans after i get back from ane. i'd be lying to you if i said i wasn't absolutely falling head over heels for this girl. when i'm around her, i get more fluttery than a thousand butterflies. when i look at her and she looks back at me, i immediately blush and look away and start stimming. when she talks about the stuff she's interested in, i get really flustered and keep telling her how cool she is. she's one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen. definitely by far the most beautiful girl i've ever met in utah.

online and irl attraction feel different to me. they feel like different kinds of love. i love a lot of people i know online. i love cecily a lot, and i mean that. irl though, i've never felt a spark like i do with joy. i've met a lot of folk irl and something about her is just.. so different. when it comes to attraction i think of it in terms of how my internal body feels towards them. usually when i love someone, i feel my entire internal body connected to them. like, some sort of essence is. however, the back of my brain, like an area the size of a golf ball feels empty and disconnected. with joy, it doesn't feel empty. i feel the attraction to her throughout my entire brain. it's a really weird thing with me. i talked to a psychiatrist about it once, and they had no idea what it was. i just assumed that after my first relationship i was so messed up that it would never be the same again. i guess i was wrong.

despite all of this, she's mostly monogamous. we talked briefly and she said it would be nice to just love everyone in a poly relationship, but due to her BPD (which i also have) she might need something more monogamous when she finds someone. this has been destroying me. this has really been destroying me. it's not her fault, though. being monogamous is normal, being poly is not. i feel like i'm missing out on something really healthy. she's local. she seems like she could fulfill my needs in all aspects, and i would really like to be with her someday. if it didn't work out, i'd still want to be her friend. whether that's her finding someone else, the spark i feel fading away, or anything similar. she's just that cool.

however it does make me think. it makes me think about how cecily will always love bea more than me. it makes me think about how she's gonna have to leave for 3 years soon, and i'll only be able to text her within a 2 or 3 hour window every night. i love cecily a lot. i've done a lot for her. she's done a lot for me. she's provided me my entire friend group, the friend group who i'm flying out to see tomorrow night. she plays in one of my favorite bands, and has let me into that band. multiple people in that group like me too. if something happened with cecily, i'm afraid something would happen to that dynamic. i don't plan on breaking up with cecily. it's just an unfortunate situation all around. cecily did make a comment saying "well maybe you should break up with me" comment over something small that started this entire spiral.. it was very hard for me to hear. i don't know if she'll stay with me if this joy thing is happening and if she doesn't love me as much as bea, and if she's saying stuff like that. i'm really tired of my love life. i'm really tired of things always being so rough and complicated. i just need to figure something out. something stable. something where i don't question whether my partner loves me or not in the ways i'm needed... i'm not implying anything, it's just. yknow. i'm really lonely. i never feel loved.

today i woke up and tried to join cecily's stream. i had over 20 million json files in my c drive i needed to delete first though. i ran the delete command in command prompt for hours and after i deleted all of it i was able to join. she didn't quite reach her goal. i feel bad for her. she seems really down. i love her a lot so i want to call her to cheer her up but she ended up going to bed because i was out at a family event for new year's eve.

the family event went okay. i had a good time talking to my family. at least everyone except one person, my aunt. i never have pleasant experiences talking to her. she has the same personality as a 12 year old who just discovered politics. she offered me vodka and i declined because i didn't wanna drink around family, and she said "aw man. i LOVE drinking around family. especially when it makes them really mad." i just said "bro..." and walked off. my entire family being lds, i just know they'd get uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

at some point i was talking to my mom, and my aunt butted in and threw in a "yeah but now that TRUMP got elected he's gonna do X." i don't even remember what it was. i just remember the convo spiraling out of control from there. my aunt kept going on and on about left wing politics, even though she was factually wrong about a lot of stuff. i'm trans and left leaning, and even I got annoyed with her. i kept telling her to can it, but she wouldn't. at some point i really started to lay into her. she started to go on and on and she started to say some really messed up stuff about my mom and i started to get really mad. i started telling her that she was being insufferable, and i started using some pretty strong language. of course nothing was her fault, though. she kept being horrible about my mom and family and their religion and at some point i said "yknow what, i'm gonna take my own advice here and stop talking now." she kept saying "but.. but this and that!" and i said "bye! bye! byeee!" and i walked outside and had to calm down. cecily texted me at that point and started to be really sad because her stream just ended. i tried to help her feel better but she was really sad, which i understand. i went back to the porch and my mom asked me what my aunt was saying. apparently she was saying "abi was saying such horrible things about the family!" (abigail is my first name, serena is my middle) and she tried to flip the entire thing on me. eventually she just left the party. other than all of that, i had a good time. everyone left early, though, so i went home early too and ended up kissing all the dogs here on the snout when it turned midnight. if i'm gonna do a new year's kiss, who says it can't be on a dog's snout?

i had a dream last night about this girl around here named joy. she's a gorgeous trans girl and she's been to all my shows. i guess i must really like her, because i keep having dreams that we go on dates and end up really liking each other, but i wake up and realize i'm still pretty alone irl. after i woke up, she actually texted me and asked if we could hang out. i told her yeah, and it sounds like we may go to the arcade tomorrow at about 3. i hope we end up doing that. i've always gotten so flustered around her whenever i talk to her at shows. she's so cute. i used to tell cecily about her before me and cecily started dating, and before i divorced meredith. i'm curious and worried about how it will go, though. she has cecily blocked on bluesky, but she knows i'm dating her and that doesn't seem to stop her from being cool with me. we are hanging out under the pretense of it just being a hang out session, which is totally okay. i don't think it's really a date but i wouldn't complain if it was. i think she's monogamous, though. i think she's beautiful but i wouldn't leave cecily for something mono. i just can't do that again. we'll see what happens. i'm nervous. i haven't been this nervous about hanging out with a girl in.. god.. 7 and a half years now? wow. she must be really cool if i feel this way.

update:
oh yeah a random note, i started playing starship today, which is a pc port of star fox 64 and it's rad. it lets me select any level, it runs at a consistent 60 fps, and there's no in game slow down. it also runs in a wider aspect ratio which is so cool. i can also easily do cheats so i played through venom 1 on expert with no wing damage quite a bit. i could see myself prefering this way more than running it on a proper emulator. i might sit in some calls and play it or something. it's time to procrastinate on my music!

today i woke up and went out to get some food
i was really hungry so i got carl's jr and then mcdonald's afterwards. i am a gluttonous fool.
it was may day off so i just worked on music and hung out in my room on my pc. i love my pc. i love my computer. i am a transgender woman.
i had some alcohol again. i've been starting to drink every other night or so. i should calm down on it.
i called cecily for a while and had a lot of fun.
i tried to get someone to vouch that pee smells like coffee when you drink a lot of it, but nobody i know can vouch. i look like a loony.
i would write more but i'm tired. goodnight!!
hi cecily i love you

today i didn't really do much. i slept a lot and worked on music. i got the electric guitars done for cecily, now i just need to do acoustic. i hope i can get them done, but with how fidgety my interface is, it's becoming an obstacle. i could use the big 8 track one, but i can't record it in my car because it needs to be plugged into the wall. what to do, what to do.

after i got done with the electric, fiddled around with my album some more. i think it's coming along pretty good ironically. it's mainly just a bunch of enter star wolf b sides or whatever, but some of them are good songs. i'm just doing this as an exercise in writing, because i want the enter star wolf lp to be like, the one album i've always been trying to make. i know i can do it.

i bought some alcohol and candy. i have a problem with buying candy and not actual food. i need to fix that. i consume way too much of it.

on the emotional side of things, i've been really unstable lately. i've been feeling like nobody really likes me. it's stupid because i know they do, but i get in my own head about it. i worry which friends of mine only like me because i'm hot. i feel like cecily is getting less interested with me. i got mad at bee today. i've had a lot of dms over my posts. speaking of which, i'm never doing a thanksgiving post again, or doing special thanks sections in my bandcamp albums because apparently NOBODY can handle that. i got more dms being upset over my thank you post than anything else and it's lame as heck. ok, i'm not thankful for any of you anymore. you lost your privileges.

i've been talking to bea more lately. she's cecily's long time girlfriend. she's really really cool. i get a little fluttery talking to her, but i don't know if i want that to go anywhere. she's really cool but if it ever did go anywhere i don't think i'd get as much fulfillment as i need since she has so many partners already. it probably wouldn't matter too much, i'm just really sad never being like, number one for someone. cecily tells me i'm not her main priority of a partner and that's fine. i kind of need that right now. but like, i guess i wish i was just equal. it makes me pretty insecure and i think part of it makes me always feel like i'm like, not cared about as much, i guess? i know that's not true, though. i was just with meredith for three years and they were unhealthily obsessive and toxic and possessive over me. mono relationships are kinda bad compared to poly ones i think.

i think about those songs charly wrote about me a lot. there are never positive songs about me written. lame.

The last few days I've just been working.

I've been pretty stressed out about things, but I've had a bit more freedom in what I can do. I've been able to drive around, get some food. It's been nice. I'm still trying to save up for Boston in January though. I really want to make that show happen and hang out with my friends. I really think Alice and Bea are cool, so I really hope it works out. I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna be somewhat sad Cecily won't be there, though. I really wish I could've seen her over the summer when she was visiting the states. I just wasn't allowed to because of my ex spouse. I guess I also do feel a little lonely and I'm hoping to make some kind of connection out there. I think the longest I've gone without being physically close to someone is about 6 months. I don't know.

I have work tomorrow. I should go to bed.

- Serena

Oh say can you see, my balls are real huge.

Today was the 2024 election. As I predicted, Donald Trump won. I know a few of my friends were shocked, but like let's be real here. Kamala had no chance at winning. I would love a woman president, but I feel like so much of the country is bigoted and sexist that it could just never happen, as unfortunate as it is. She also pandered to like, everyone in a negative way. I don't really know how people thought she was going to win, but oh well, whaddaya do.

My mind is mostly on work. I've been falling quite a bit behind on my journal. I don't even know if I updated it since the night before my interview, but I ended up getting a job and I start tomorrow. That's crazy! Somewhere took a chance on me. I'm getting 11 an hour and I'm mostly just taking in packages, scanning them, and sorting them from what it seems. It seems fairly easy. I'm just wanting to get the first day over with so I know what to expect.

I also made stickers of my friend Alice and my girlfriend Cecily! I also made one of me and my friend Destiny. They are all so cool.

I'm tired and need to sleep for work.

Goodnight!

- Serena

Just doing another pop in.

I'm not really doing anything other than grinding out music. It's all I've been doing. I don't even really hang out with anyone or my family. I'm going to make this work. I gotta.

I've been drinking a lot of coffee though.

I've also been eating a lot of fruit and vegetables. That's cool.

- Serena

I didn't write in my journal yesterday because I needed to go to bed.

I don't remember much of what I did yesterday lol. I try to write down what I do every day but I think I smoked so much weed that I have memory problems. It's kind of sad, honestly.

Today I had band practice though. Alec came! We got to run through breakup song!! and Cold and Dead. I think Cold and Dead sounds really good. Next week we're gonna practice with Venus who's gonna play piano. I want it to be a piano led song so I'm pretty excited. I didn't really do anything other than practice today, so there's not much to write about. I've been on call with Cecily for a while which is really nice. I love her a lot and missed being on calls so I'm having a good time. I need to go to bed though because I have an hrt appointment I need to sleep for.

So with that being said, goodnight!

- Serena