my heart hurts really bad 1/30/2025
Jan. 31st, 2025 03:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hooeygooeya random update for random lost days
well
i should be finishing my ane updates. there's just so much that it becomes daunting. i also keep getting so busy that i just can't keep up with them. i also guess my mental health is really out of hand as well. my life feels just as dark, if not darker, than it was when i was hospitalized. i'm just too scared to admit at how poorly i'm doing. it's really stupid of me, because everyone keeps telling me that i should be honest and transparent with my emotions, which is true. i totally should. i just can't be. i'm so scared of letting people know that i'm upset. i keep scaring people or i'll be told i'm scary when i'm honest about things and my own emotions. it really messes me up. it reminds me of when i was with my ex girlfriend and she'd tell me that i was being really horrible and scary when i was upset. i don't think i'm being that scary, but maybe i am. idk.
i guess one thing that i should get out of the way is like
i'm really going through a lot, i think. at least compared to normal. my heart is really sore. it hurts a lot. it's not a good feeling but it's the best way to describe it
first and foremost, my friend, now ex friend, alaska completely freaked out on me and dropped me. she did this because when i was coming back from ane she asked me if i was playing drums on her album. i didn't know i was, but i agreed anyways. she seemed understanding that it would take me a while, but we quickly devolved into a fight where she was trashing my friends. i got really upset and snapped back at her. it was the first time i had ever criticized her for anything over the course of our several year friendship. she stopped responding to me for a few days. i checked her socials and she said she went to the hospital for a panic attack. i texted her and asked her if she was okay, but she never responded to me. after a few days, i noticed she was posting some really mean stuff that might've been about me. i texted her and asked her what was up, and she kept changing her discord status to piss me off. she went from "playing balatro" on online to "do not disturb. playing balatro" and put herself on dnd. after she came back online i asked her to please respond to me, and she sent me a paragraph basically blaming me for her hospital visit. she said i caused her physical pain, and that maybe in the future we could be friends, but she doesn't see it happening for a long time. then she blocked me on everything.
i don't really get this. i don't know how i can stick up for an individual so much, only for her to completely drop me the moment she feels threatened by some sort of criticism. i never ever gave up on her. i never gave up on her when she was kicked out of the old friend group for breaking up with her partner. i defended her during the fights i had with my ex spouse. i told her she would always be my friend, but she just completely gave up on me like i was nothing to her, and really messed me up in the process. i was having trouble trusting my friends, but especially after all of that, i just can't do it anymore. my trust in others is completely compromised. the more that time goes on, the more messed up i feel about it.
alaska was one of my closest friendships from the old friend group that i had. she was in my band and we made music together too. we hung out in real life, and we talked more frequently than most folk from the old friend group i had. i had been feeling like i couldn't trust my friendships, and that most people would leave me or abandon me at the first sign of anything they didn't like. alaska seemed to be somewhat different. despite everything, she still seemed to be okay with me, until she wasn't. i thought i could trust her. i guess not. i guess our years of friendship meant nothing at the first moment of criticism. i guess my feelings meant so little that the moment i shared them i had an entire hospital visit pinned on me. whatever.
on top of all of this, cecily has been dealing with jealousy a lot because of how much i like alice. this has also been really hard for me. for the majority of our relationship, up until recently when bea had to convince her otherwise, she'd tell me that i was always secondary to bea, and that she loved her more than me. i guess this was fine since i knew it was going to be that way going into it. after a while i started to become really attached to her, which wasn't much of a problem. however i do remember one instance at work where cecily told me that bea would tell her that i was really dependent on her (cecily) but she wasn't dependent on me. i remember this kind of stung. not because i felt betrayed cecily didn't feel the same about me, but because it was true. i realized i had let my walls down too much and i got stung for it. i started to put my walls back up and try to be more of an independent person. i think this caused me to be more curt with cecily, and more blunt because i was really hurt. i've mentioned this to her, but haven't told her in detail about it. there were some specific instances at ane that really hurt too that i haven't documented it. like when alice and bea both asked to be my girlfriend, but they both took it back. it especially hurt with alice because of how i feel about her. to get bakc to my main point i've always felt secondary to bea. in some ways i still do, although not as much anymore. i understand cecily being jealous, but the fact that she's jealous and gets really upset when i show my emotions about others to her really hurts. i feel like it's hard for me to explore the avenues i want to while still retaining a status of like, not being the only partner when she's my only partner. it's really hard trying to find a way i can be completely fulfilled when it makes her upset, and she gets to be fulfilled in every way except physically.
going back to alice though, which is the 3rd reason why i'm really having a hard time, is i just genuinely really miss her almost all the time. i have a habit of falling for people way harder than they'll ever fall for me, and it's somewhat clear that's what's going on here. i'm a stupid idiot for it. she's not doing anything wrong, it's just me and how i get attached to people. i say i really like her would be an understatement. i think about her a lot, like, all the time. almost all day. i clicked with her so hard in real life. she wanted to spend all her time with me. she would cry into my chest and say she wishes we could be girlfriends, but she can't because of distance. how could i not think about her? how could i not think about everything that happened, especially after she asked me out and turned me down immediately? all of that really lured me in way harder than it should've. because as selfish of me as it sounds, i do wait for her to text me all day, and when she does, it's usually one word and i don't know how to respond to it. she doesn't ever text me good morning but she texts me frequently before bed for the most part. it's definitely better than nothing, but there's a selfish part of me that wants to talk to her more. i won't force her into that, though. that's not cool of me. i just. to say i miss her is an understatement. to say a lot of things is an understatement automatically. i think i've felt more about her than anyone, but not in the way that i've never felt this lovey towards anyone. the feelings are mixed. because while a lot of the feelings are good, there's a lot of heartache there too. take cecily for example. i latched onto her way hard, but she was way more receptive to me talking to her than alice is, so there was less heartache there and things were better sailing. my first girlfriend was like, we got together within a week. meredith was someone i didn't really want to be with. cecily was a special case where she wasn't crying into my chest saying she wishes we could be girlfriends, but i figured it would be possible down the line. there's just a lot of emotions with alice, sometimes more achey than anything at this point. it's stupid of me. it goes back to me feeling like i care more about people than they'll ever care about me.
there's also bea as well. i like bea a lot, but she has so many partners that i kind of always had some sort of walls up, because i know for a fact i would like her more than she would like me. i mean she was the one who said i was more dependent on cecily rather than vice versa after all. i like bea a lot but it's just. yknow. part of me is really hesitant because i know i'll always feel more for her than she will for me. we did talk the hypothetical of getting together, but we agreed to talk about it a different day. it's been like a week, maybe longer, and there's been no follow up word about it.
i guess having all of these feelings, and then having to deal with the mundane ones such as being informed i'm a burden, having to work my stupid job, never going outside to do anything becuase nobody wants to spend time with me, all that stuff, i guess makes my life feel totally dark. i like to think that the reason why i stuck around was to finally make something with my music. lately it's become clear that it's because of my friends. i want to stick around for them. i have no problem hurting my music career by being insane on the internet, but i'm terrified of hurting my friends. because of this, i haven't been honest with them. i don't know how to say this to them, because i still think about the one time i told alice the truth, and i was told that it was kinda fucked of me.
yesterday and today have been particularly hard. every day is particularly hard. this feels like the darkest era of my life. working my job, being in debt, knowing i'm a burden, not being able to get my life together, and especially having the constant affirmation that i will always care about my friends more than they'll care about me, just makes me feel so cripplingly hopeless. i want to figure out a hospital stay. i'm a real danger to myself. yesterday i went to go drink all of the cough syrup i had, which was multiple bottles, so i could try and overdose. it wasn't going to be a guaranteed death thing, just like, if it happens, it happens. i could not find my cough syrup. i got frustrated and gave up. today i was going to take every bottle of ibuprofen and assorted medication that i could find. i looked in the cupboard, and couldn't find more than 12 pills. i took my newly refilled multiple bottles of spiro, and there were about 355 pills in there. i did the math, and it would only have a 30 percent chance of killing me, so i didn't go through with it and gave up. people don't know that i was gathering those pills and medications so i could finally die. i was gonna drive my car somewhere really far and do it there, but i got stopped on step one. i'm thinking of going to the store tomorrow and buying a lot of medication. just in case i need the out. i've been trying to research which the best is to end my life with, but i can't find anything on it, it's all just stupid hotline phone numbers everywhere. the hotlines don't know that they will do nothing for me. they will not make me feel better. what will help me is what they're hiding from me. they just don't want me to hurt the others around me. at some point my death is not selfish, but it's the others around me that are selfish. they want to keep me around when they don't even care about me as much as i care about them. in all aspects. family, friends, relationships. i don't know why i even try.
for the first time in my life, i really feel physically hurt typing this up. my heart feels like it's about to explode. my chest feels like it's about to have a heart attack. this sounds familiar !
well
i should be finishing my ane updates. there's just so much that it becomes daunting. i also keep getting so busy that i just can't keep up with them. i also guess my mental health is really out of hand as well. my life feels just as dark, if not darker, than it was when i was hospitalized. i'm just too scared to admit at how poorly i'm doing. it's really stupid of me, because everyone keeps telling me that i should be honest and transparent with my emotions, which is true. i totally should. i just can't be. i'm so scared of letting people know that i'm upset. i keep scaring people or i'll be told i'm scary when i'm honest about things and my own emotions. it really messes me up. it reminds me of when i was with my ex girlfriend and she'd tell me that i was being really horrible and scary when i was upset. i don't think i'm being that scary, but maybe i am. idk.
i guess one thing that i should get out of the way is like
i'm really going through a lot, i think. at least compared to normal. my heart is really sore. it hurts a lot. it's not a good feeling but it's the best way to describe it
first and foremost, my friend, now ex friend, alaska completely freaked out on me and dropped me. she did this because when i was coming back from ane she asked me if i was playing drums on her album. i didn't know i was, but i agreed anyways. she seemed understanding that it would take me a while, but we quickly devolved into a fight where she was trashing my friends. i got really upset and snapped back at her. it was the first time i had ever criticized her for anything over the course of our several year friendship. she stopped responding to me for a few days. i checked her socials and she said she went to the hospital for a panic attack. i texted her and asked her if she was okay, but she never responded to me. after a few days, i noticed she was posting some really mean stuff that might've been about me. i texted her and asked her what was up, and she kept changing her discord status to piss me off. she went from "playing balatro" on online to "do not disturb. playing balatro" and put herself on dnd. after she came back online i asked her to please respond to me, and she sent me a paragraph basically blaming me for her hospital visit. she said i caused her physical pain, and that maybe in the future we could be friends, but she doesn't see it happening for a long time. then she blocked me on everything.
i don't really get this. i don't know how i can stick up for an individual so much, only for her to completely drop me the moment she feels threatened by some sort of criticism. i never ever gave up on her. i never gave up on her when she was kicked out of the old friend group for breaking up with her partner. i defended her during the fights i had with my ex spouse. i told her she would always be my friend, but she just completely gave up on me like i was nothing to her, and really messed me up in the process. i was having trouble trusting my friends, but especially after all of that, i just can't do it anymore. my trust in others is completely compromised. the more that time goes on, the more messed up i feel about it.
alaska was one of my closest friendships from the old friend group that i had. she was in my band and we made music together too. we hung out in real life, and we talked more frequently than most folk from the old friend group i had. i had been feeling like i couldn't trust my friendships, and that most people would leave me or abandon me at the first sign of anything they didn't like. alaska seemed to be somewhat different. despite everything, she still seemed to be okay with me, until she wasn't. i thought i could trust her. i guess not. i guess our years of friendship meant nothing at the first moment of criticism. i guess my feelings meant so little that the moment i shared them i had an entire hospital visit pinned on me. whatever.
on top of all of this, cecily has been dealing with jealousy a lot because of how much i like alice. this has also been really hard for me. for the majority of our relationship, up until recently when bea had to convince her otherwise, she'd tell me that i was always secondary to bea, and that she loved her more than me. i guess this was fine since i knew it was going to be that way going into it. after a while i started to become really attached to her, which wasn't much of a problem. however i do remember one instance at work where cecily told me that bea would tell her that i was really dependent on her (cecily) but she wasn't dependent on me. i remember this kind of stung. not because i felt betrayed cecily didn't feel the same about me, but because it was true. i realized i had let my walls down too much and i got stung for it. i started to put my walls back up and try to be more of an independent person. i think this caused me to be more curt with cecily, and more blunt because i was really hurt. i've mentioned this to her, but haven't told her in detail about it. there were some specific instances at ane that really hurt too that i haven't documented it. like when alice and bea both asked to be my girlfriend, but they both took it back. it especially hurt with alice because of how i feel about her. to get bakc to my main point i've always felt secondary to bea. in some ways i still do, although not as much anymore. i understand cecily being jealous, but the fact that she's jealous and gets really upset when i show my emotions about others to her really hurts. i feel like it's hard for me to explore the avenues i want to while still retaining a status of like, not being the only partner when she's my only partner. it's really hard trying to find a way i can be completely fulfilled when it makes her upset, and she gets to be fulfilled in every way except physically.
going back to alice though, which is the 3rd reason why i'm really having a hard time, is i just genuinely really miss her almost all the time. i have a habit of falling for people way harder than they'll ever fall for me, and it's somewhat clear that's what's going on here. i'm a stupid idiot for it. she's not doing anything wrong, it's just me and how i get attached to people. i say i really like her would be an understatement. i think about her a lot, like, all the time. almost all day. i clicked with her so hard in real life. she wanted to spend all her time with me. she would cry into my chest and say she wishes we could be girlfriends, but she can't because of distance. how could i not think about her? how could i not think about everything that happened, especially after she asked me out and turned me down immediately? all of that really lured me in way harder than it should've. because as selfish of me as it sounds, i do wait for her to text me all day, and when she does, it's usually one word and i don't know how to respond to it. she doesn't ever text me good morning but she texts me frequently before bed for the most part. it's definitely better than nothing, but there's a selfish part of me that wants to talk to her more. i won't force her into that, though. that's not cool of me. i just. to say i miss her is an understatement. to say a lot of things is an understatement automatically. i think i've felt more about her than anyone, but not in the way that i've never felt this lovey towards anyone. the feelings are mixed. because while a lot of the feelings are good, there's a lot of heartache there too. take cecily for example. i latched onto her way hard, but she was way more receptive to me talking to her than alice is, so there was less heartache there and things were better sailing. my first girlfriend was like, we got together within a week. meredith was someone i didn't really want to be with. cecily was a special case where she wasn't crying into my chest saying she wishes we could be girlfriends, but i figured it would be possible down the line. there's just a lot of emotions with alice, sometimes more achey than anything at this point. it's stupid of me. it goes back to me feeling like i care more about people than they'll ever care about me.
there's also bea as well. i like bea a lot, but she has so many partners that i kind of always had some sort of walls up, because i know for a fact i would like her more than she would like me. i mean she was the one who said i was more dependent on cecily rather than vice versa after all. i like bea a lot but it's just. yknow. part of me is really hesitant because i know i'll always feel more for her than she will for me. we did talk the hypothetical of getting together, but we agreed to talk about it a different day. it's been like a week, maybe longer, and there's been no follow up word about it.
i guess having all of these feelings, and then having to deal with the mundane ones such as being informed i'm a burden, having to work my stupid job, never going outside to do anything becuase nobody wants to spend time with me, all that stuff, i guess makes my life feel totally dark. i like to think that the reason why i stuck around was to finally make something with my music. lately it's become clear that it's because of my friends. i want to stick around for them. i have no problem hurting my music career by being insane on the internet, but i'm terrified of hurting my friends. because of this, i haven't been honest with them. i don't know how to say this to them, because i still think about the one time i told alice the truth, and i was told that it was kinda fucked of me.
yesterday and today have been particularly hard. every day is particularly hard. this feels like the darkest era of my life. working my job, being in debt, knowing i'm a burden, not being able to get my life together, and especially having the constant affirmation that i will always care about my friends more than they'll care about me, just makes me feel so cripplingly hopeless. i want to figure out a hospital stay. i'm a real danger to myself. yesterday i went to go drink all of the cough syrup i had, which was multiple bottles, so i could try and overdose. it wasn't going to be a guaranteed death thing, just like, if it happens, it happens. i could not find my cough syrup. i got frustrated and gave up. today i was going to take every bottle of ibuprofen and assorted medication that i could find. i looked in the cupboard, and couldn't find more than 12 pills. i took my newly refilled multiple bottles of spiro, and there were about 355 pills in there. i did the math, and it would only have a 30 percent chance of killing me, so i didn't go through with it and gave up. people don't know that i was gathering those pills and medications so i could finally die. i was gonna drive my car somewhere really far and do it there, but i got stopped on step one. i'm thinking of going to the store tomorrow and buying a lot of medication. just in case i need the out. i've been trying to research which the best is to end my life with, but i can't find anything on it, it's all just stupid hotline phone numbers everywhere. the hotlines don't know that they will do nothing for me. they will not make me feel better. what will help me is what they're hiding from me. they just don't want me to hurt the others around me. at some point my death is not selfish, but it's the others around me that are selfish. they want to keep me around when they don't even care about me as much as i care about them. in all aspects. family, friends, relationships. i don't know why i even try.
for the first time in my life, i really feel physically hurt typing this up. my heart feels like it's about to explode. my chest feels like it's about to have a heart attack. this sounds familiar !
